Anyone that knows me knows I’ve had my fair share of good and bad relationships. Unfortunately, most of them have been bad and to an extreme degree. I guess you could say that while I can’t call myself an expert on the subject because no one really can, I will say I’ve learned a few things through my failures. There is one thing in particular that I want to focus on though and there is a big reason for it.
I’m not going to name names for obvious reasons, but I was going about my day and noticed a little spat on one of the more popular social networks between a man I knew and his girlfriend. It was made public that he was in the dog house for various reasons. Not wanting to be outdone, the girlfriend felt the need to offer her side of the story in her own way; also on the social network.
Now, I know him a lot better than I know her. Regardless, I refuse to take sides because only the two of them know exactly what’s going on in their relationship. Having been through similar events, I know better than to buy anything that is spilled out onto something like a social network because usually you only get bits and pieces of the story. Still, people who see those things are more than willing to start taking sides and of course, people begin commenting which only escalates the matter, making things worse.
My advice on this matter is plain and simple: whenever you argue with your significant other, keep those arguments between the two of you regardless of what it’s about.
I know sometimes tempers can flare and things that we will later regret can be said, but when you start posting things on places like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Blogs, etc., you’re only asking for trouble. First off, it’s no one else’s business but yours and your significant others. I know some people may argue that with me, but that is 100% true. I don’t care who you are. The argument that you are having with them has NOTHING to do with your mother, your friends, your cousins, your co-workers. Perhaps it might be about them, but the fact is it ultimately has to be worked out between the two of you.
Spreading your business around to other parties will only create boundaries within a relationship which will eventually grow. Soon, they will become so big, you will not be able to get past them and others who know about the arguments between you and your spouse / boyfriend / girlfriend will begin to judge without even realizing it and it’s not their position to judge.
In a relationship I was previously in, my ex felt the need to tell her family, not just her mother, but her aunts as well, about virtually every argument we ever had. The sad thing about it was she made it out to them that all we ever did was fight which soon made them question why we were even together. There were good times in there. I must admit not as many as I would have liked, but there were some. Sadly though, when the relationship did finally end, according to her family, I was the devil incarnate because all they knew was I was the man who left her after putting her in jail. They never knew my side of the story. To this day they don’t. I learned the same thing on my end. Because of the trauma I suffered at her hands, I revealed some details to my family and now they have this idea that she is this completely evil woman. I don’t believe she’s an evil person at all. She just had some problems that she needed to resolve. In the end, we both knew we weren’t right for each other. Looking back at it all now, we both know that there are times when we need to keep certain things between the two of us. It’s simply no one else’s business and it never should be.
I guess what I am trying to say is think before you speak the next time you feel like venting to a friend or family member about your significant other. It’s ok to be upset with them. When you are with someone, it’s a given that you will eventually get into an argument here and there. I’ve found that the best thing to do is to not EVER cut off the lines of communication. The “Silent Treatment” doesn’t work. Trust me. I made that mistake. I was an idiot for trying it. It’s dumb and childish and it’s one of my biggest regrets. If you find yourself upset with your spouse, talk to them. If your spouse if upset with you, put the damn TV remote down and listen to them. Talking to them for 15 minutes is more important than a stupid football game. Sometimes just letting them vent to you can solve an argument. Sometimes they just want to feel that you are still on their side. Remember, you are supposed to be that one person that they can turn to for anything in the world. The moment they feel they can no longer talk to you is the beginning of the end, but take heart in knowing that it’s not too late.
I often think about how I would redo some of my failed relationships. There is one in particular. I guess you could say she was the one that got away. I know we shouldn’t regret certain things, but I regret losing her. I can make excuses for myself by saying I was young, I was only 19, etc., but that won’t make things better. Looking back, I know why I lost her. She accepted me for who I was and didn’t ask me to change a single thing about myself. My problem was I was so caught up in what other people thought and I was too busy talking to others that I neglected her feelings. Still, she stuck by me as long as she could till one day she couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame her. I really don’t. That girl is married now, living a good life and I’m happy for her. Still, that doesn’t take away my regret.
The next time you argue with your man or woman, look at them and think about what you are about to say or do, even if for just 2 seconds. Think about how they are going to react to your words and actions because although you may not think much about it, your very next words can and will stay with them for years after. Believe me. I still remember the last conversation I had with that girl and I will probably remember it the rest of my life. Remember, if you truly love them, you accept them for who they are. You love them for everything that they are. You love their light and you love their dark. As I’ve said before, you will argue. There is no way around it. There are certain things that should stay between the two of you. Just make sure when you look at them and you feel that anger, make sure you see everything. Remember why you are with them and remember and hope that they are thinking and feeling the same thing, and that they are still there with you not because they have to be, but because they want to be.