I knew these meds were having a negative affect on me when I started them. Sure they help with some things, but my creativity is sapped. I tried writing last night for the first time in a long time and it fell flat. I only got through about 400 words before I felt the urge to stop what I was doing. I know that’s partially why I haven’t been writing. With the meds, it’s like my mind can’t piece together certain aspects that used to come so easy for me. Edit on the other hand isn’t so bad. Editing can be a pain, but with the meds I can sit there and proofread and make corrections for hours. I used to be able to do that before as well, but I needed breaks. Now I just work and work and work.
A few months back I wrote on here about how hard life can be when you are forced to relearn things. I guess I am still doing that. Small things like tying my shoes and getting dressed came a little easier. Situations where I need to really concentrate though are difficult. The stories just don’t flow out of me the way they used to. I used to be able to write 10k-16k words in a day and now that seems like a fairy tale. To write only 400 words is pretty much an all time low for me unless I were writing poetry. Even now as I write this I find it difficult to tie my ideas together. My mind may be clear from the background noise and voices that used to accompany me every day, but maybe that’s how my life was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to hear that voice that those in the medical community call Schizophrenia. I’ve read where some of the greatest artists of their time heard voices.
I know I won’t get any support on this, but I am considering discontinuing my meds.